something other than intention

somehwere along the line, we all became something other than children. were we not supposed to live with joy, play in the rain, build snowmen, sing songs, laugh, run, jump, blow bubbles, jump in mommy's arms, make forts, ride daddy's shoulders, be tickled until it takes our breath away? make the most out of whatever scenario we were faced with? were we not beckoned to receive the love of even The Lord most high as children, for this is as the kingdom of heaven? the drift, the gap, the stray that occurs...this is what makes us "grown-ups." sarah talks about the space between things; it's a great analogy. with what do we fill these spaces? money? relationships? buying?

i have trained my kids at only 5 and 3, to take their plates to the sink promptly after being dismissed from the table, but wait for it----they must ask to be excused first, with a please and thank you. now this may seem trite. even cute. or like the simple ingrain of good manners. but it is in these things, that they show me no contumacy. they do it. they always have. they never fuss. so where is it, why is it, that one day this will be a labor of such magnitude that i will have to actually incent them to do it with money and bribes of candy, treats, and special outings? we are a strange, strange beast. we want control so badly, and we are scared to slow down and look at what little control we acutally have; even with all our "stuff"---our gadgets, our homes, our cars, we've created so many sub-categories of rules, standards, things we cannot live without for ourselves, that honestly change from each generation to the next, with every new wave of fancier "stuff" to have...and all it creates is a new want. a new deficit. a new hole to fill.

we look back, usually by certain benchmarks, perhaps each decade and we ALL complain how difficult life is now; how much easier it was each previous decade. "when i was a kid, we didn't have all that fancy stuff, we just mde our own fun!" and of course, when we were that young, life was as wretched as it could possibly be for us at that given moment...one really has to return to near infancy, to the point where there aren't really any embarassing or negative memories, to be able to say, "jeez that is a memory i wish i could forget."

so maybe bringing up their dishes up is no big deal. maybe i'm doing them a huge favor preparing them for the world--the cold, awful world that awaits them, with all of its badness, all of its demons, all of its horrible things.....all of which are imposed----by grown-ups----or maybe they will look back and think, "wow, i really hated bringing my dishes up"---maybe i've grown them too fast already.

and somehow, some way, this has been happening for thousands of years. it makes me sad to know over that long of a timeline, since the dawn of time, a path was laid out for us, to experience that true joy, something children do, and from the first step, we've strayed off course ever since. how far away we must be, not only from where we started, but where we were meant to be. and yet, He is watching; always watching and can see the gap, and has paved a way to bridge it, even though we don't deserve it....not anymore....not as grown-ups....
so i guess the key is reversal. the saying born again, doesn't even seem to cover enough.

my kids, especially my baby megan, squeals "daddy, daddy, daddy!!!" in delight whenever i walk in the door after not seeing her for a length of time. i am her I AM. to her, i am the beginning and end, and for luke, the sun rises and sets with sarah. this is how we are supposed to love. i am actually very scared, so terribly sad (as my eyes fill even now) that i don't posess the capacity to love like this. not anymore. and not for anyone. but this is where the deception of control comes. that we can fill it with other loves. or we can re-train our hearts. but we cannot. and a new path has been laid to cross the bridge, where the cost of the toll is control.

so the prayer goes out, like they all inevitably do, from the mouths of all tribes, tongues, of rich and poor, slave and master, demon and savior.

help me. help me do what You intended, because oh My God, i will never get there on my own, and if it is left up only to me, i probably won't even remember to try.