overcome by anticipation part 1.

my first question with only one month to go before disney is.....
how long before my back starts to hurt on the drive? :-) i have this nasty habit of sitting squantch-wise (incidentally, never had to spell squantch before now--wondering how i did?) when i drive, and my left upper glute (yes, my butt) completely falls asleep after about an hour. the right side however, ends up being more painful than having to listen to just about anything on CNN or FOX news...i sure hope i can combat it or avoid it altogether. i am stressing it a bit.

hooooorayyy

i had a not good night or morning. i am stressing money and this disney trip and definitely work and about a hundred other things. and i was baout to blog a litany of things that i am just plain fed up with when a call came in that changed the whole face of the day. financially, the call relieves several burdens and allows me to tithe accordingly and i am excited to put the money to good use.

things that fall under the good use category:
donations to love146.org
donations to invisiblechildren.com
paying off three debts and having enough left over to pre-pay an estimated tax for next year
putting some aside for the awesome trip that awaits our family in 5 weeks and one day.
and maybe buying a pizza tonight so that i don't have to cook when i'm all stuffed up and tired.

Lord, You are indeed good and great, and thanks for my life that without You I absolutely don't deserve.

the griswolds

Look out National Lampoon's. Here come the Bramer's. Our Bramer family vacation to Walt Disney World is less than 6 weeks away at this point! And yes, we are driving there. Gluttons for punishment you say? Nah. Just thrifty and wanting a fun, good, old-fashioned family vacation together. There are no stops to visit a "cousin Eddie" along the way. There are no plans to pick up an "Aunt Edna", or to try and take any shortcuts.

Sarah and I have decided to do this trip like, 90% for our kids, and the rest, I think, for ourselves. I know there are haters out there---not Disney fans at all, the corporate, branded happiness that it peddles. I am coming from a place where it was my lifelong dream to work as an animator for Disney (that or be a wide out for the Buffalo Bills) and had even signed a letter of intent to attend Disney's premiere art institution for my studies. It didn't work out, and that's OK. I've been back as an "ADULT" to Disney an average of every 3 years since graduating high school, and if I could afford it, I'd probably go even more.
My perspective is this...everything that's not illegal, is acceptable to partake of, in moderation. Because honestly, when we get in that car, and they ask where we're going (yes, we're keeping it a total surprise from them), why we've been driving so long, I can't wait to explain to them where we're taking them. I chuckle at the whining I can already hear of "Are we there yet?" (I'm sure I'll feel differently at the time) I can't wait to see Luke's face when we eat at the Coral Sea restaurant INSIDE a gigantic fish tank, or take them to Sea World. I am giddy at how Megan will react seeing Cinderella's castle and having the chance to meet her favorite Princesses. And I have to mentally prepare myself that their reaction might not be what I am hoping it to be, but I know, regardless, it is still very much worth it.
With every new developmental milestone that our children hit, I am made so very aware to how much my parents endured, sacrificed, planned and provided for me, and it breaks my heart and rebuilds it all in the same breath and I can never thank them enough. Long, tiring waits in line, bad traffic, pinching pennies to save for trips, these are just scratching the surface of what it takes to be a good parent like Clark and Ellen Griswold tried to be. And I'm hoping with those good-spirited intentions, if we do happen to fall short of expectation, that at least it will be an amusing anecdote to look back on and laugh. Like Chevy Chase with his pants around his head wandering the desert. I am so excited when I daydream about it that words fail. I am literally moved to tears about this trip.
Thanks to Richard and Sue Bramer. The best parents I could have. Maybe part of this trip is actually for them, too, and all the "Griswolds" out there, who just want to give their children the world. In this case, Disney World. Sarah and I will be blogging regularly about the trip. Be sure to check back.

funny on tv

hi,
i've decided to "follow" a blog. it's from bill lawrence, the writer for scrubs, which is the only tv show i will admit to watching. i think he's very funny, and it honestly is a show that makes me feel good. i think that's hard to do. he writes the way i would write, if i were more consistent, and, you know....paid...to write...i.e. a writer.
all i know is i've cried because of the show has had so many real life and touching moments...
and i've laughed one hundred times more for the exact same reasons.
bravo, bill. even though i think i could do your job...
if i was, you know....

a writer.

bridges.

well, perhaps, humans being bridges is a bit of a stretch (no pun intended) but by proxy, it is interesting how you find some people through the connection to others. i recently have been cynical, even skeptical, of sites like facebook, myspace, twitter, etc. i just think it is too surreal an existence for some of the caustic honesty that people think they can share with others....especially with "friends" that represent more of a status attainment than a true companion to connect to. and i will admit, i caught the bug much like many others did. but i found someone...a friend that i've not spoken with in many years simply because our paths went in different directions, not because of a disagreement or anything. i found her through one of my "friends" on my list, that i talk to only once in a while, and that's fine. but this friend that we share, she and i have now traded stories of our past that make me feel like we were never apart....

thus, the friends on our friends list that may not be such great friends---that perhaps we accepted their invite out of obligation, of entitlement, can gladly be invited into certain parts of our world. but they can also span the gap between others we have missed and fallen short with, out of touch with. maybe this surreality isn't as bad as i thought. i am glad i found my friend. and i am glad i found her through this other "acquaintance" i call a facebook friend. next time i'm online, i'm going to let them both know of my thanks and gratitude.

it's what friends do, i think.

something other than intention

somehwere along the line, we all became something other than children. were we not supposed to live with joy, play in the rain, build snowmen, sing songs, laugh, run, jump, blow bubbles, jump in mommy's arms, make forts, ride daddy's shoulders, be tickled until it takes our breath away? make the most out of whatever scenario we were faced with? were we not beckoned to receive the love of even The Lord most high as children, for this is as the kingdom of heaven? the drift, the gap, the stray that occurs...this is what makes us "grown-ups." sarah talks about the space between things; it's a great analogy. with what do we fill these spaces? money? relationships? buying?

i have trained my kids at only 5 and 3, to take their plates to the sink promptly after being dismissed from the table, but wait for it----they must ask to be excused first, with a please and thank you. now this may seem trite. even cute. or like the simple ingrain of good manners. but it is in these things, that they show me no contumacy. they do it. they always have. they never fuss. so where is it, why is it, that one day this will be a labor of such magnitude that i will have to actually incent them to do it with money and bribes of candy, treats, and special outings? we are a strange, strange beast. we want control so badly, and we are scared to slow down and look at what little control we acutally have; even with all our "stuff"---our gadgets, our homes, our cars, we've created so many sub-categories of rules, standards, things we cannot live without for ourselves, that honestly change from each generation to the next, with every new wave of fancier "stuff" to have...and all it creates is a new want. a new deficit. a new hole to fill.

we look back, usually by certain benchmarks, perhaps each decade and we ALL complain how difficult life is now; how much easier it was each previous decade. "when i was a kid, we didn't have all that fancy stuff, we just mde our own fun!" and of course, when we were that young, life was as wretched as it could possibly be for us at that given moment...one really has to return to near infancy, to the point where there aren't really any embarassing or negative memories, to be able to say, "jeez that is a memory i wish i could forget."

so maybe bringing up their dishes up is no big deal. maybe i'm doing them a huge favor preparing them for the world--the cold, awful world that awaits them, with all of its badness, all of its demons, all of its horrible things.....all of which are imposed----by grown-ups----or maybe they will look back and think, "wow, i really hated bringing my dishes up"---maybe i've grown them too fast already.

and somehow, some way, this has been happening for thousands of years. it makes me sad to know over that long of a timeline, since the dawn of time, a path was laid out for us, to experience that true joy, something children do, and from the first step, we've strayed off course ever since. how far away we must be, not only from where we started, but where we were meant to be. and yet, He is watching; always watching and can see the gap, and has paved a way to bridge it, even though we don't deserve it....not anymore....not as grown-ups....
so i guess the key is reversal. the saying born again, doesn't even seem to cover enough.

my kids, especially my baby megan, squeals "daddy, daddy, daddy!!!" in delight whenever i walk in the door after not seeing her for a length of time. i am her I AM. to her, i am the beginning and end, and for luke, the sun rises and sets with sarah. this is how we are supposed to love. i am actually very scared, so terribly sad (as my eyes fill even now) that i don't posess the capacity to love like this. not anymore. and not for anyone. but this is where the deception of control comes. that we can fill it with other loves. or we can re-train our hearts. but we cannot. and a new path has been laid to cross the bridge, where the cost of the toll is control.

so the prayer goes out, like they all inevitably do, from the mouths of all tribes, tongues, of rich and poor, slave and master, demon and savior.

help me. help me do what You intended, because oh My God, i will never get there on my own, and if it is left up only to me, i probably won't even remember to try.

the frog and the scorpion (with liberties taken)

one day a scorpion came to the shore line of a stream that he could not cross alone. he beckoned to a frog who was swimming nearby to come and help him across. the frog says, "no, for you are a scorpion, and the moment i get out of the water, either here or on the other side, you will sting me." the scorpion replies, "i promise with all that is in me i will not sting you when you get out of the water, here or on the other side."the frog hesitantly agrees, getting slowly out onto land, letting the scorpion crawl onto his back. he then re-enters the water and begins to cross.about half-way across the stream, where the water is at it's deepest, the scorpion suddenly curls forward and stings the frog. the frog screams, "scorpion! you promised me with all that is in you that you would not sting me!"the scorpion then says, "no, i promised you with all that is in me that i would not sting you when you get OUT OF THE WATER....and just so you know, all that is in me---is venom."

"why would you do that, scorpion?" the frog pleaded. "now we will both drown!!!!"

and the scorpion answers, "i can't help it."

"i'm a scorpion."